-oOo-

Murder in Mexico

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-oOo-

One day a golfer brought his regular golfing buddies together, and gave them each $50,000 cash and instructed them that upon his death, they were to throw it into the coffin, because he wanted to take it with him.

As luck would have it, he died soon after. When the funeral was over, his buddies met.

The doctor in the group said "I have a confession to make. I put in an empty envelope and I used the money to buy equipment for the free clinic."

The priest said "Me too, only I used the money to help build the youth center."

Somewhat shocked, the last member of the group, a lawyer, said 

"I can't believe you guys went back on your word." They asked him if he actually put the $50,000 in the coffin.

He replied "I most certainly did....with my very own personal check." 

-oOo-

Dentures 

A couple of elderly gents were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. 

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" 

"Well, I was playing yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.

"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin.... and that was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt." 

-oOo-

Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."  Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 

'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'" 

-oOo-

The Ducks

Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven.  Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: "Don't step on the ducks." 

The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, "The ducks?" "Yes," St. Peter Said. "There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they're all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you'll be punished." The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking.

St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, "Who stepped on a duck?"

"I did," admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. "I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity." The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man's face, and he cuffed him to the woman. "I told you not to step on the ducks," St. Peter said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn't stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.  The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman replied: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck." 

-oOo-

Short Shafts

James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse. 

James asked the pro: "What do you think of my game?"

The pro replied: "You should shorten your clubs by 2 inches." 

James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.

To which the pro said, " No! It will help them fit in the dustbin!" 

-oOo-

Health Food

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed' the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

 "It's free," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."  Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked,

"What are the green fees?" "This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven. It's free!"  "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." 

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your #@!%&~ bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!" 

--oOo--

Late Arrival

One golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late in arriving for your tee time?"

His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf."

"Yes," continued the friend, "but that still doesn't tell me why you are so late." 

"Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!" 

--oOo--

Lady Luck

Lady Luck was seldom kind to Sam. Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck.

He loved poker but poker did not love him; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low.

His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups.

His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive.

Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course. 

Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes.  It was a bright sunny day and was going well.

Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds. 

--oOo--

By The Rules

Two friends were playing golf one day.

They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules with no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a hard path. 

As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said,

"We agreed that we would not improve our lie."

No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the other guy would not allow it. So the first guy went to the buggy to get a club.

As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of tarmac and sending out lots of sparks! 

Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

"YOUR 7-iron!" he replied.

-oOo--

Two Scots

Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole. Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond.

He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls. He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well. 

This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says, "Rabby, these balls cost me a pretty penny."

Rabby replies "Och!, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game, ye should nee be out here" 

-oOo-

Wonderful Wife

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."  Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

-oOo-

The scene: - Wicklow District Court....

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

-oOo-

Nag

"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll  drive me out of my mind."  "That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."